I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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