So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
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We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
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OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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