I like to think it a success when the cops are called
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
