I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
