I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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