Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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