can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize