He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
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i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
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He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.