2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
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well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
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i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?