Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
