So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
