I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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