They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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