Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
