You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
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Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
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I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.