Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
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Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
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I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.