I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.