Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
