if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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