it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
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As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
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Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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