overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
