Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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