my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
