Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
