How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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