im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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