he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
