how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
