I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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