I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
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