I feel great
I just peed on a car
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
