No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
