So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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