You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
