I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I need to sanitize my soul.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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