Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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