Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
