I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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