i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
