One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
