So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
