I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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