Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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