just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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