We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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