I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
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He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
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Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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