Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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