Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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