The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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