This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
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I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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