I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I forget how to act sober
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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