All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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