I wish my penis had an off switch
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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