She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
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i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
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Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
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