sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
