I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
