between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
