it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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