So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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